I grew up as a regular church attender with my family. My mom especially encouraged me in faith by instilling a belief in Jesus and a set of moral principles to follow. Despite all this, I was not a particularly well behaved child. Although my acts of mischief were relatively small, they were still sinful rebellions as I often acted with the knowledge that I was doing something wrong.

I was very afraid of being “sent to hell” as a kid, partially because of the “fire and brimstone” preacher who taught at our church but mostly, I think, because I was keenly aware that my life lacked a relationship with Jesus as a father and redeemer. I knew he was God’s son, that he was perfect and good and that he died for my sins but he was still a distant figure.

Over the summer before I turned 10, I went to a Christian camp where the gospel was of central focus, there I became a true follower of Christ. I had previously used Christianity as a sort of safety net for my fear; I didn’t want to change anything in my life, I certainly had no understanding of the incredible grace of Christ, I simply wanted to avoid hell. Yet Scripture teaches us that God loves us with a perfect love that casts out all fear.

When I truly began to follow Christ, I finally learned that salvation has nothing to do with my attempts to be “good” and everything to do with God’s amazing love. It was through this that Jesus became not the impersonal embodiment of a horrifying and holy standard but instead a friend whose unconditional acceptance I could rely on. I began reading the Bible daily after that. I used to find scripture dull, but I soon had a strong desire to read God’s word [the Bible] and learn from it. I also began to pray daily, and not just for simple requests as before; I began to thank God and praise him. I asked forgiveness for my sins, not out of some fear that I would be pushed away from his presence but out of a repentant heart that longed to please the friend I loved.

Unfortunately, as I grew older I began to lose interest in faith. As my church experienced trials through the loss of a pastor and no ready replacement I drifted away. Instead, I focused on school, various arts and my friends. None of these things were inherently bad but they weren’t my Savior. I hung out with people who challenged my faith and instead of growing stronger, or being a witness I was influenced by them and made some very poor decisions. After my senior year I was very lonely, and I again began to turn to God as the essence and source of life.

Renewed with a sense of purpose I entered college looking for other Christians to befriend and learn from. I was blessed to attend UAlbany, where there are many strong believers. I feel as if I’ve learned so much in the past two years, much of it related to the distressing reality of my own sin. However, I’ve also seen God’s amazing love for me, and all people, and am invigorated just thinking of it. The decision to follow Christ changes your life irrevocably, it is guaranteed to bring hardship ( as any other walk of life is bound to) but the troubles one faces as a Christian are met with the knowledge that Christ has gone before you, and walks with you as well. Christ offers this life of freedom to everyone, regardless of their past, with the all-encompassing love that only a perfect God could offer.

When I was finally out of high school and on my own, I couldn’t wait to live my own independent life. My parents were out of sight and out of mind. I lived a life like a non-believer. I did go to church occasionally but was up late all night partying. I would wake up and go to church the next day with the same clothes I went to the party with. Looking back at it now, I laugh at what a hypocrite I was. I proclaimed to everyone around me that I was a Christian, a follower of Christ but yet when asked who goes out to party the most in my suite, they would all point to me. I am Ashamed and disgusted with that now.

I was living this lifestyle for a while. That was until my church paid for me to go Urbana last winter break. Before going to Urbana, I knew I was living a life that was not led by Christ, but I chose to hide it. I chose to hide all my sins from my fellow Christ followers and especially tried to hide my sins from God.  That worked out for a while until God spoke to me!

During the trip in Urbana, we attended daily workshops. I went with the flow and did whatever everyone around me did. That was until one day, one of my workshops was closed due to too many people for the space provided. So I wandered around and sat down on a couch. I figured I could just sit there until dinner since I didn’t really think I would learn anything anyways. As that chain of thoughts went through my head, I heard a guitar playing. I went towards the room the music was coming from thinking, “I might as well sit in a room with entertainment instead of in silence alone.”

The music was coming from a worship room. I walked in and sat in the back. Everyone around me was either singing their lungs out or crying their eyes out. Either/Or; but nothing in between! When dinner was ready, I walked out of the room as soon as possible. I liked the songs but didn’t like the intense emotions in the room.

Two days later, I was back in the same room. There was this urge in me to go back and sit in there. As I sat down in the same seat, I let the music penetrate me. The lyrics spoke to me in ways I never heard or experienced before! One particular line was “here I am to worship, here I am to bow down, and here I am to say that you’re my God!”

At that point, my head just seemed to automatically bow in prayer; a prayer of confession. A week prior I was as prideful as one could be, and now repeatedly begging God to forgive me!

As I stood up and was about to leave the room, my feet led me to a prayer minister. I tried to walk the other way, but my feet kept doing their own thing. Next thing I knew, I was awkwardly confronted by a prayer minister. “Do you need a prayer?” she asked. I just nodded my head. That was when I started confessing to her about my sins and that I needed her to pray for forgiveness of me. As we prayed, she asked the Holy Spirit to come into me and to speak to me in any way possible. She prayed for me and stopped, she told me to listen for the Holy Spirit.

As I sat in silence, a voice came out from the silence. It said, “I know what you have gone through. I was with you the whole time. If your heart is willing and you are able, I will continue to be with you.”  Almost breaking down in tears, the prayer minister told me she saw an image in her head. It was an image of me walking around the world with a bible in my hand and glowing. My life was changed at this point! She anointed me with oil on my forehead and prayed for me again.

Out of all the famous and wonderful speakers in that huge event, those who flew in from half way around the world, God chose to speak to me in a much smaller environment, in a place that took me by surprise. I thank God for that.

I hope he takes you by surprise and changes your life too. It is the best thing that could ever happen to you!

There is so much I wanted to do with my life, and still do. I want to make a practical difference in           people’s lives. I want to be a friend not a judge, and to give. I thought the Bible required me to be a judge, but I wondered, “How could I judge anyone when I was such a sinner myself?” My struggle was taking me all over the place intellectually and emotionally. I didn’t know how to be me and be a child of God at the same time.

I felt like an impostor to everyone. To my non-Christian friends I was the innocent goody goody nice girl and to my Christian friends I was pretty unreliable; never being where I said I would be. I always seemed to plan incorrectly and ended up being split six ways at once.

For instance, I started training for the volunteer ambulance service on campus, because to me helping people could not get any more practical than that. However, I was so nervous at the final test that I forgot pretty much everything I needed to know, so I failed the exam. I also failed at friendships I was trying so hard to develop. It seemed that I did not fit in anywhere, not even in the Christian group I was a part of. They all seemed to fit together and I was the awkward ’seventh wheel.’ Also, they seemed content with where they were and I was not.

This was how I felt anyway. I felt like there is always more out there, more to be done more to see. With all of this swirling around in my head, the last place I wanted to be was in the midst of perky, “happy happy,” Christians, especially when I felt so uncertain about my faith. I felt like there was a spark inside of me, a fighting rebel spirit that did not exactly go hand in hand with the submission the Bible required of me.

I eventually decided to go to Infusion, because I wanted to get away from the distractions of family tension, idleness, television, etc. that was surrounding me. My friend Chris gave me a ride to the retreat. As an intern, he was going to be speaking at the retreat for the first time and he was excited. This would be the third time he was attending Infusion and he was pretty psyched. He could not stop talking about how enriching it was and his excitement was contagious, but as he spoke I started getting nervous. I worried that the people there would not be very friendly – that they would be cliquey and once again I would not fit in.

After settling in the first night, we had dinner and went to the chapel for worship. Even though it was a room filled with many people, it seemed like every person there was alone with God, worshipping and praising. It was sincere. There was none of the pretentious holier-than-thou attitude I had somehow expected. I perceived no self-righteousness, no judgment; just people. Human beings seeking fellowship with God and one another!

The next few days were filled with worship and learning, I had signed up for the social justice workshop [a lecture style gathering that met every morning after breakfast]. I have a passion for social justice and prior to the retreat I was not sure what stance the Christian community took. However, after the rigorous scripture reading required by the staff member running the workshop, it became clear that God calls us to be just, to be kind, to feed the hungry, clothe the naked and help the poor and to love our neighbor as ourselves, helping them in practical ways. This, to me, was a great revelation! I learned that our God is a practical God, who wants us to show his love, not just by spreading his word, but also giving to those in need, sharing his blessings by fighting for justice.   It was an intense thorough and comprehensive workshop.

Other electives I attended included ‘Living a life of integrity and avoiding hypocrisy’, ‘God centered prayer’, ‘peacemaking’ and ‘depression and hopelessness’ to name a few.

All of the classes I attended answered one of the questions that had been burning its way through my faith. I found myself asking, ‘What am I supposed to do with it now?’

The answer I came to realize is; I am supposed to be a vessel to be used by God for his work, to live a life of integrity by His grace, to be led by His spirit in prayer, to affirm and make peace by his grace. I am supposed to love and to turn to him in every single area of my life. I am supposed to allow him to be the center of my life. I learned that I shouldn’t be doing these things out of obligation to an angry demanding God, but rather I get to do these things because of the love in my heart from God! I also learned following Christ is not about a list of rules that we follow, but serving God out of a joy in our heart.

I learned this from the classes and from the entire experience of being in a community of people, who are sincere and giving, a family with God as the head and the center.

The night before we left Camp Pinnacle, a girl I had met at the retreat was baptized in the pool. She gave her testimony and was dunked into the cold water, and immediately outside by the pool, we all broke into spontaneous song, prayer and praise, worshipping God were we stood. I learned that God is always present; we just have to choose to see Him over sin.

I still have tons of questions, doubts and struggles. I’m just another human. But now I also have a support system, a network of all the people I met at Infusion, and my friends from CA and other Christians on campus. God has shown me that He is always with us.