I grew up as a regular church attender with my family. My mom especially encouraged me in faith by instilling a belief in Jesus and a set of moral principles to follow. Despite all this, I was not a particularly well behaved child. Although my acts of mischief were relatively small, they were still sinful rebellions as I often acted with the knowledge that I was doing something wrong.
I was very afraid of being “sent to hell” as a kid, partially because of the “fire and brimstone” preacher who taught at our church but mostly, I think, because I was keenly aware that my life lacked a relationship with Jesus as a father and redeemer. I knew he was God’s son, that he was perfect and good and that he died for my sins but he was still a distant figure.
Over the summer before I turned 10, I went to a Christian camp where Continue Reading…
The first semester of college was a fun semester but a rough one for my spirit. I did things that God would never have approved of, nor would he be proud of. Leaving for college was one of my highest priorities in high school. I wanted to get away from my parents, the drama and even possibly from God.
When I was finally out of high school and on my own, I couldn’t wait to live my own independent life. My parents were out of sight and out of mind. I lived a life like a non-believer. I did go to church occasionally but was up late all night partying. I would wake up and go to church the next day with the same clothes I went to the party with. Looking back at it now, I laugh at what a hypocrite I was. Continue Reading…
I was not even sure I was going to ‘Infusion’ this last May. Stephen and Kim had mentioned it to me. I wanted to go but I did not want to deal with the pressure of feeling the need to walk around with a fake smile plastered on my face, pretending to be happy. Because the truth is, I was not happy. I was struggling with all sorts of questions and doubts. There was an intense anger burning in the pit of my stomach because I didn’t know what to do with knowledge about the Bible and God. I thought, “I know about God and about the Word and all that, but what the heck am I supposed to do with it?”
There is so much I wanted to do with my life, and still do. I want to make a practical difference in people’s lives. I want to be a friend not a judge, and to give. I thought the Bible required me to be a judge, but I wondered, “How could I judge anyone when I was such a sinner myself?” My struggle was taking me all over the place intellectually and emotionally. I didn’t know how to be me and be a child of God at the same time.
I felt like an impostor to everyone. To my non-Christian friends I was Continue Reading…
